Well school is over and I will be home for a few weeks. Not that this is at all exciting to me. It seems like every time I come home I am just constantly worrying about what things are going to be like when I get back. I have a feeling everything is going to be different. When I go back for June I am scared that he will not want to see me...and it's not the fact that we won't see eachother for a few months that upsets me it's the priniple of not wanting to make the effort to see me. I get it, I understand that being home is fun and exciting for him, his life is different than mine. But I was under the impression that what we had going was fun and exciting too. I thought that he was beginning to realize that this could work and that what we feel for eachother is real..but maybe that's just me getting ahead of myself again...like always.

Lyrics:
This is me standing in the arch of the door Hating that look on your face That says there's another fool like me There's one born every minute.

Well here we go again... I think this has to be the fifth or sixth one of these things I've attempted to maintain in my life.

I heard a cliche once that said "Good girls keep diaries, bad girls rarely have the time."

I guess that's somewhat true. It seems when I am out there living life, causing trouble, and making the mistakes, I rarely have time to reflect on them. It's in the down time that I feel the need to sort through my feelings and give it a go.

The truth is I've always loved to write. It just is conflicting to set aside the time every once in a while to be able to do it. But I truely believe that it can be therapedic, so once again I will make an effort to maintain this.


Well... a breif bio of where I am in my life...

Somewhere in the middle of my college years and relatively happy. I am having the time of my life at school. I have the most amazing friends that anyone could dream of. Seriously, they are my rock. When I think about all the times in high school when I cried and contemplated not having good, quality, friends, I just have to think it's because it was planned for me to have such great ones now. These girls are more than friends, they truely have become my sisters, in more ways than one. I don't know where I would be without them.

When it comes to relationships... well that's a word that isn't used very often. Unless I am refering to the one that is over, a large part because of me. Where I stand with him now is all kind of up in the air at the momment. Only time will really tell. Honestly, I care about him, I do. But on the other hand I really do think I can handle this whole situation the way I have always planned to and be able to look at it objectively. But who knows if that's actually possible? The only think that worries me is the effect this whole thing is having on my self-esteem and my future. Will I never be able to trust guys because I will think they are all cheating ass holes? Or is it my problem... am I just simple more attracted to these guys who treat me disposibly, and play into this love-hate complex. It scares me. Because that is not the type of man I want to be with forever. I just think I have so much more growing up to do, and I feel like time is running out...meh.

Well, more later I'm sure.

:::Lyrics:

I learned the hard way/That they all say/Things you wanna hear
My heavy heart sinks deep down under/You and Your twisted words
Your help just hurts/You are not what I thought you were/Hello to high and dry

Convinced me to please you/ Made me think that I need this too
I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song
Cause you asked for it/ Cause you need one